Skin or Something Like It
by laulupidu
Summary: They're speaking in tongues, each trying to find a language the other will understand. Brooke/Peyton one-shot.


_1. even the rain bows down_

You're tired of pretending you didn't like that kiss, sick of not talking about it, sick of trying to forget that she only did it to be a bitch.

But when she leaned into you in that dressing room as you were putting on your swimsuit, you couldn't hide the spark that lit in you, that widened your eyes and flushed your skin. The trouble is, Brooke saw it too, and though you've tried you've never been able to rid her of that tendency to be cruel when there's an opening.

You know that look she gets when she's trying to hide the fact that she's about to do something mean. God, you've been best friends forever, how could you not recognize that one by now, you've seen it so many fucking times. It's the quintessential Brooke Davis _look,_ you saw it before she dared you to kiss Lucas, it's the look you see when she lies, when she wants something. And it's the look you saw right before she kissed you, when she leaned back and stared at you, eyebrows raised. Right then, you knew that she'd seen what you had only just figured out.

It's hard to hide things from her. She knows how to play people against each other, she's an expert in anger. She sees right through everything you do, except for once, and that's only because she was so preoccupied with being happy and, well, nice. You lied and you hurt her and you're sorry and you're terrified that she'll never forgive you, even if she says she has. This is what you can see in her eyes- she still judges you, is waiting for you to fuck up again so she won't feel so bad if she has to dump you completely.

You know that she's shallow, and horrible, and sometimes just wicked, but you also know that she's beautiful and she's hiding. There are layers to Brooke, things she tries so hard not to let you see, but you've glimpsed them in her eyes when she's pretending her parents don't fight, you see it in the way she holds herself as she sleeps. She pretends confidence, you know this, because no one who really loved herself would sleep like she was dying.

xxx

_2. i dance to tv snow_

Sometimes you wonder if she really means the things she says. You don't understand how she can have time for things like elevator lists and Lust Factor profiles when she doesn't seem to have the time to even pretend to be interested in your art and your music and _the world._ There is life outside of Tree Hill, and it's not just Charlotte, or, New York, or Paris, or Milan. It's the Middle East, it's Africa, it's so many things and you think to yourself all the time _how can she just not care?_

This has dumbfounded you for years, but when you ask she says it has nothing to do with her, so why should she? and this frustrates you beyond belief, but sometimes you wish you could be like her. Maybe if you didn't care so much you could dance like she does, maybe you could forget about _it, everything, nothing,_ maybe you could smile like you mean it. But Brooke said once, "Peyton, if you didn't care you wouldn't be the girl you are, you were built to care and I was built to... not." She's right, you think. The only problem is you don't know who the girl you are is, or even if you want to be her. Sometimes you think maybe if you didn't care so much you could be happier.

But you care, a lot, about everything, and you don't know how you could stop. When you really think about it, you think caring about things is what makes you so creative. You have all these feelings, pent up and roiling around in the pit of your stomach, but you know how to make it go away for awhile. You draw, or paint, or dance around your room in your underwear. You feel a little bit sad for Brooke, because if she doesn't care, she doesn't feel.

xxx

_3. blame it on the falling sky_

It's two and a half weeks later, at your house, on the bed in your room watching TV, when Brooke finally brings it up, opens her mouth and says, "You know, Peyton, you're really a pretty good kisser," and you're taken by surprise, and you can't think of anything so you just say, "Yeah, so are you."

And Brooke shocks you, moves over and whispers in your ear _i kinda wanna do it again_ and you're looking for that telltale raised eyebrow, the smirk, and the acid that leaks out of her mouth sometimes, but you can't see it. Instead she looks scared, lost, afraid of this new thing.

For a second you think about doing something bitchy, just to get back at her a little (because Brooke rubs that off on everyone), but you can't bring yourself to break this fragile moment that hangs in the air like little shards of glass, and you've thought of that kiss, replayed it over and over in your mind, wanted to kiss her for so long, so you lean toward her and you do.

xxx

_4. and all my armor falling down_

"That felt... right" she says when you move your head back, and your eyes have turned to liquid and you don't trust your voice, so all you do is nod and lean your cheek into her hand. "It felt like something... like when you do something for the first time and you wonder why you haven't been doing it your whole life and... yeah. That's how it felt."

And for maybe the second time in your whole friendship, Brooke Davis has said something you can feel in your bones.

"Yeah, yeah it did" you say but your voice is cracking like ice under too much weight and you aren't sure how much of that she understood, but she's looking at you, looking with her big beautiful tiger eyes, and she's nodding _i understand, i understand_ and you know that she really does.

She knows why you're afraid to fall in love, she knows why you wake up screaming sometimes, she knows why you won't show people your best drawings, knows that all the time you just don't feel good enough, knows that she could break you in a second if she wanted to.

But she doesn't break you, she just buries her head in your neck and you feel her breath, feel her lips moving, hear her _peyton, peyton, i love you, i really do_ and you shiver and think you could die happy because you've got everything you've ever wanted but didn't know until now.

xxx

_5. this storm could stay all night_

Your arms are around each other and your legs are entwined like your hearts are now and you're both whispering_ i'm sorry i'm sorry_ and _it's okay_ and _we should go somewhere beautiful_ and _nothing can touch us now_ and oh you've both stopped talking because your lips have met and you can't even think over the flood of tactile sensation and _brooke, brooke oh brooke_ you think and pull your head away to look at her and _why are you so easy to hate_ and hands up and down the curve of her hip and _why do i love you_ and hands wrapped up in her hair and _god you're beautiful_ and hands and hands and hands. You want to cover her sins with yours and wash them all away and she's saying _i need you_ and hands on her stomach and lips now, too, on her cheek, her her neck, her shoulder, and she puts her face to yours, presses her lips to yours, and you know then that she's forgiving you, not just for Lucas, but for being harsh in your own artistic way, for being so afraid to admit to love.

She takes a breath, and with her next kiss Brooke apologizes. For being a bitch, for being a complete and total bitch, for countless instances of unprovoked cruelty, for not believing you were sorry, for not understanding until now.

You forgive her then, with your lips and your hands and your tongue, and you forgive each other for all that has come before, for all that will come after. You forgive until you're too tired to move, until she's too tired to breathe and you both fall asleep, tangled up in each other, and happy.

xxx

_6. all i see is what's in front of me_

You dream about her and smile because you know this new love is a forever love, because you have faith in her and in yourself now, and in this new love that feels like an old love and you know that old loves never die.

_End_

Credits

1. Tori Amos - _Cruel_

2. Paz Lenchantin - _T.V. Snow_

3. Radiohead - _Black Star_

4. Fiona Apple - _Pale September_

5. Finger Eleven - _Thousand Mile Wish_

6. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - _Modern Romance_


End file.
